kaleidoscopic when I finally let go, I discovered that memories were nothing but dusty shadows of what they once were. There is some pain somewhere, dull, but it lost its pounding intensity and grip on my reality. Already faint and distant.
Instead I focus on the colours of today with their sharp edges and intense volume - breathing, hearing, tasting, touching.

And yet, sometimes the colours of today soften and flow into what can be tomorrow - kaleidoscopic permutations and combinations of what is attached to the ends I hold in my hand now.  ¶ 10:58 PM 1 Comments  

  real question: why can't i just go and do something everyone else i graduated with is doing?
(check facebook for what that could be)
answer: because that would not be real enough

enjoyed quite some real life recently.
looked like a porcelain figure on a mantelpiece during a beautiful ceremony. spent nights talking and watching couples disappear in the forest. bitched about rules, tried to circumvent them, and got busted. left a hat on a bus in istanbul. spent time reading on empty dutch stations in the middle of the night. coped with some new challenges that seemed not to have solutions. caught a fresh breath of honesty and dealt with the pain to emerge different and free. spent time laughing smiling poking your side and telling you not to get stressed.

still need a bike. still more things i do not know how to solve. still more flights to book. still not sure when I can hang up the hammock in my room (need a powerdrill to place the hooks). still a lot to communicate. still more pain to deal with.
so it is all pretty real.  ¶ 10:18 PM 1 Comments