warm, calm, and? when i think back a few years, I find that I had similar feelings to now, during Winter/Spring of my first year in London. Back then I was waiting for that acceptance or rejection letter from LSE, at the same time working without real breaks on many different projects like mentoring in a south London technology college, Gap, and of course my work for John Massey.

now the situation is similar. Yes, I have applied, and yes, I do want what I have applied for, but I am now just waiting, can do nothing but wait, and at the same time hunt my projects around here. it must be this combination of eternally being busy and not knowing what will happen five months down the line which plunges me head first into this grey puddle of something strange. it must be this what makes me feel so restless, doubtful, self-destructive. it must be from where this slowly suffocating feeling of dissatisfaction comes.
It is this waiting for decisions on applications, this constant thinking in ifs and whens, the omnipresent maybes, an incessant loop.

hey, where is my sense of adventure? times have never been more pulsating, and there are ample reasons to count myself to the privileged. oh, and i am!

Maybe developing a cold after a wonderful vacation spanning my family, Albe's family, Germany, Italy, and Switzerland, rain and sun and snow, flat river banks, flat space stretching from the Alpes to Milano, bizarre mountain tops covered with ice, also contributes. Tiredness from feeling ill has never helped anyone in situations of insecurity.

this weekend of calm, reflection, hot lemon, a hot bath full of bubbles and my feet on the radiator as I write is sure to help me take a step out of this grey strangeness.

back in London it worked out to the fullest, after that anxious period of grey the acceptance letter arrived and I lived the three best years of my life.  ¶ 8:23 PM